Sadly Luis Suarez wasn’t at his biting, snarling, racially abusing, snide-fouling best in 2013-2014.
We blame wonder-psychologist and man-of-the-moment Dr Steve Peters; but not to worry, there were plenty of other dirty bastards working their dirty magic in this season’s Premier League and here are the five dirtiest of the dirty.
Whilst they can’t match Suarez for outright filthy nastiness, statistically-speaking, these boys need a serious wash.
Cheick Tiote
Newcastle’s Tiote is a fine player and if he’s on your side you’d probably love him but he picked up 10 yellow cards last season. Mind you, that was an improvement from his debut season in the Premier League when he managed to get 14.
As well as collecting yellows, nobody made more fouls than the Ivorian’s “impressive” tally of 66 last season – exactly two per game in the 33 in which he featured (two that the ref saw, anyway).
Wes Brown
Brown, pictured trying to take the ref’s head off (perhaps), collected three red cards in the Premier League last term, more than anyone else.
Whilst some of his fouls and cards were just plain clumsy, three red cards is enough to get the former Manchester United player – who looks like a baked bean if you ask us – onto our list.
Ramires
Chelsea’s energiser bunny Ramires does a lot of running.
He also does a lot of fouling and with 54 fouls, seven yellow cards and a red as well, he makes the top 20 on all three major statistical measures of dirtiness.
Christina Aguilera, eat your heart out.
Kevin Nolan
Nolan has a reputation as a good, honest pro, a journeyman who never quite got the recognition he deserved. A player who leads his side well and gets a lot of goals from midfield. Some of that may be true but more than anything, Nolan is a right dirty bastard.
His two red cards, seven yellows and 46 fouls from 33 appearances more than match little Ramires and this season he picked up his fifth December suspension in a row for a deliberate and nasty stamp on Jordan Henderson. I know it’s only Henderson but it’s still pretty dirty.
Marouane Fellaini
The big-haired Belgian, pictured here clearing his nose, which is in itself pretty dirty, doesn’t pack a great statistical punch in the battle of the dirties but his sharp elbows and short temper get him his spot. Fellaini racked up a disappointing two yellow cards last season (compared to 12 in his premier League debut campaign) and no reds at all in league action but he did manage a whopping 42 fouls in just 16 starts (and four sub appearances).
Committing fouls at a faster rate than Tiote takes some doing but Fellaini managed it and he was also lucky not to get sent off a number of times for various elbowing incidents and occasions during which he lashed out at defenders who had the temerity to challenge him for the ball.
